at least 130 words
One day, There was a boy called Simon wanted to help her friend, Cindy, hold a birthday party.He told to some his friends about his idea, and everyone agreed!
They quickly decorated the classroom with balloons, colored ribbons. Simon turn down all the light and all of them hide probably, waiting for Cindy to come in. When Cindy opened the door. All of them jumped out and sang the “Happy Birthday" song for her! Simon took out a cake from the oven and gave to Cindy, but because the classroom was too dark. Simon didn’t noticed the basketball and fall down on the ground, and the cake crashed on Cindy’s face. All of them were very surprised!
Althought Cindy was really angry because her dress had become very dirty, she still forgave Simon. Cindy had the most special birthday ever!
comment: 這次結構不錯，故事的細節描寫很多，像是在黑暗中他們裝飾氣球、躲起來，是故事中沒有的，你補充的不錯。但這次有很多文法的缺失，像是 when , but because有連接詞，應該要連接兩句話，和上週犯的錯物一樣，要特別小心。再來，就是時態，整篇用過去式，但有些動詞寫成現在式。避免此類錯誤的最好方式就是－再看一次！